Have I mentioned my brain never shuts off? A few times right? I guess that’s my focus these days, to train myself to feel rather than think.
Read that last sentence again. I just used the word “train” to talk about feeling. I’m starting to catch myself a lot, like the number of times I use the word “think” (all the damn time) whether it’s appropriate or not, or how I try to prove to myself that what I’m going through is real, and I’m not overreacting. A lot of times I go back and read my more emotional posts like this one… and think (there it is again!), well, is it really profound or am I just trying to make sense of all these coincidences, and I’m making shit up and really, it’s just coincidence. (and then there’s the little voice saying…uh, you actually published that? whatwereyouthinking?)
Um, so I know the Universe is winning my mid-life unraveling, but damn, my ingrained skeptic/critic is putting up a good fight. Even when I have bursts of intuition like the weird feeling that took hold of me standing in the security line at the airport in the early afternoon. All of the sudden a wave of sheer exhaustion washed over me, the same exhaustion I’ve felt when I’ve had exceptionally long travel days. Except I was about to take a short flight in the middle of the day and I wasn’t tired. Or when I was cooking and a wave of sadness washed over me because I felt that someone was going to move. That, I attributed to my abandonment issues. Or the feeling that at some point I’ll partner or be on the same team as SG for some type of project. That one randomly came out of my mouth one afternoon when I was talking to S. (S immediately asked if it was a book. Quick one him…)
The point is, these things have happened in succession over the past few weeks and while it’s kind of cool that my buried intuition is finding some life, my brain isn’t having it. It keeps telling me I’m putting too much stock in happenstance (maybe, but at the same time…holy f*ck). But then it’ll take off and I’ll spiral into “well, what does it mean?” and that’s a slippery slope into made-up stories.
Awakening intuition aside. I’ve really upped the game on blowing up my brain. First, I managed to get all the way through the Law of Attraction and I may have downloaded the rest of the recordings for when I need a good laugh because the way she speaks is absurd? I don’t know, I just searched for them and now I’ve got them. At the suggestion of my therapist, I’m currently listening to Outrageous Openness and am feeling especially resistant. Like, I fixated on the way she calls it all “God” and I don’t like that term because “God” to me is specifically religious and I’ve spent the last few years coming to a comfort level of describing myself as atheist. (I hid behind agnostic for years knowing that wasn’t true). And, I can’t deal with this divine plan idea, that there’s a path to follow and when you let the Divine take over you’ll find the right path. I go into a form of cognitive dissonance with every story she tells. But what the hell, so we don’t have free will? We just pretend like we know what we’re doing and really something else is pulling the strings? So, that’s going well…
On a recent flight, I watched the documentary Heal, and it was pretty cool. I’m not completely blown away because of course some cancers spontaneously go into remission, that’s not really surprising to me. Generally speaking, there’s always going to be a probability that a disease will resolve on it’s own and the body will heal. So, what I want is proof. Dammit, now I’m going to have to read another book (Radical Remission) and decide for myself if she really is making a case or if she is skewing data (ignoring the number of people who embody the 9 factors and still die). In addition, in the documentary there’s this one guy who I think is a grade A charlatan and I kept getting agitated every time his interview clips showed up.
Which brings me to the role of quantum mechanics. So, there’s a lot of space in an atom, electrons behave both like waves and like particles and there’s that one thing where physicists conclude that nothing is “real” because it doesn’t exist until we look at it. ON A QUANTUM LEVEL. Clearly, on a macro level, gravity, acceleration, velocity, objects, etc are real. So, tell me again why it matters that quantum mechanics doesn’t follow the rules of classical mechanics? What we see and perceive day to day is classical mechanics, and it’s just playing around with particle accelerators that we get to the quantum level. So, what’s the point? Why not just focus on the classical physics that we can observe and measure and our equations work? I’ll have to get back to you on that.
I’m feeling caught in a never-ending spiral of existential crisis, fighting ingrained thoughts and beliefs that all of this spiritual “stuff” is total bullshit. Having been brought up in a religious household and done all the church stuff, leaving the church, trying to go back to the church and ultimately realizing, hey, I never believed that stuff anyway, so why would I believe in connectedness and energy being a thing if I couldn’t even believe in God (the acceptable version according to my upbringing)? So, there’s that thought, and then again, there’s the fact that all these things came into alignment to help break me out of all that trapped me. I was hurting physically, I was getting sick regularly, and I was depressed. There are definite changes to my physical body (my neck hasn’t locked up for almost a year, SG can actually stretch my back now), my mental health has improved, and I have found passion in what I do. There is no other explanation. These weren’t coincidences.
Even though I write that, why can’t I make the leap to believing?