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Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Crash City

I finally crashed, hit depression again and am wondering how I’m going to get through it. The positive difference between now and then is that now I’m looking for a way out and before, I was just depressed and couldn’t see anywhere forward. So, that’s a positive shift.

I went to a really interesting breathing workshop. I showed up to this workshop thinking that it was going to be like my meditation workshop, learning about different breathing techniques to help generate calmness. Joke’s on me, it’s really a place where you spend an hour lying down on your back doing a specific breathing exercise and letting emotions that come up flow through.

Um….

I wasn’t prepared for this and it was hands-down the weirdest experience I’ve ever had. (Although, I’m saying that a lot lately…) During this breathing exercise, I heard all kinds of emotional releases coming from others in the room - crying, laughing, straight up screaming and what seemed to be ecstasy (to put it mildly). For me, I felt numb in my hands and feet, felt heavy like I was being pinned down and at one point was willing this “thing” to leave me along. The thing has to do with fear, and it took a specific form as a demon figure. (Weird, but yeah, that’s what I saw). I kept telling it to go away, that I don’t need it anymore and it wouldn’t leave. I cried hard enough that the facilitators came by a couple times to rock me and stroke my hair to help me move through it. I wasn’t loud, when I talked to the thing I was whispering. (I think). After a while, I lay there with my damn left leg going bonkers again (what is with that???) and finally rolled over to my side to calm down.

I can’t really explain what happened, but I know that the breathing technique induces hyperventilation, which does all kinds of weird shit to the body. I was numb, heavy, hot, cold…and I saw/sensed weird shit. I didn’t feel better after the session and when asked what word I would put to my experience it was “heavy”. Since then I’ve been in a shitty place. I’ve wanted to reach out to people who help me, but haven’t because I’m afraid of bothering them with my problems. Right now I need support, but I’m not asking for it. I don’t want to be a burden on others who I know need to pay attention to themselves.

That’s the conundrum, right? I know what my friends are dealing with and I don’t want to put any of my shit onto them. Especially this, it’s crazy-weird and unexplainable. So, that leads me to my current state of mind - why am I doing this stuff, what’s the point, will it really make me better or am I just chasing some dream that will never come to fruition?

Here’s where I find myself. Hitting a low, contracting inward and not asking for support because I’m such a depressed bore to be around. That this is happening when I’m on meds, taking progesterone and just started ashwagandha. In other words, there is no magic bullet.

#MicroblogMondays - DNA

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