Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

A Thing I Did Not See Coming

I’m not sure if I wrote about this on my blog, but my sense is no…this happened pre-blogging days.

When I was at the end of my infertility-rope, my acupuncturist suggested I see a psychic. I was skeptical, but her description of the woman and how she personally had connected with her convinced me enough to go to one appointment. I went to this woman’s apartment and tried to be open, which is to say…not much. During the appointment, she had me hold a crystal (chunk of quartz, I’m thinking) and she asked a lot of questions of me. I tried not to give her too many details, because I knew the more details I gave, the more information she had to twist into whatever it was she was going to tell me.

Ultimately, she got some things right, and some things very, very wrong. She did seem to peg my upbringing, and she was the one who told me that when I was a baby I witnessed something scary.  She seems to have been correct given that the recent fear EMDR unleashed and the weird experience during the breathwork session, both point to pre-verbal trauma. What she got wrong, however was everything around my husband and potential for having a baby. She thought my husband’s father was harsh and demanding (totally not S’s Dad), and that S would want to start his own business. She also told me that I would get pregnant when I felt safe and “she” was waiting for me. I blew off the description of S’s dad and S’s ultimate professional choices knowing that both of them were untrue. The girl-baby thing, though? I held onto that. Until we were matched with 4 boys, 2 of whom became our adoptive kids.


I figured she just didn’t know what the hell she was seeing.

While trapped on an airplane recently, l had a super weird thought. “What if she saw me with someone other than S?”. She saw a baby girl, and I didn’t get a baby girl. I’m 44 now, nofuckingway is there going to be a baby girl. That seemingly out of nowhere thought felt wrong in a lot of ways, especially the part about me being with someone other than S, but like there was something there I wasn’t quite getting to. I tried to let it go as a fluke, and went about my week.

Then, driving home at the end of the week, I had another thought seemingly out of nowhere that caused me to pull over while I freaked out. What if she saw me as the baby??? And for the umpteenth time this year, my world blew up. I tried to process what was coursing through my body. I AM THE BABY GIRL.

I could be taking this incident and conflating it with what has been going on as of late, but I haven’t thought of the psychic for years beyond the whole, ‘wow, she got that wrong’ statement. It all feels weird, this idea that 11’ish years ago, this woman may have honed in on my rebirth(?) (I don’t know what else to call it).


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