I don’t think I wrote about the thing that helped cause the fender bender. I got out of the seminar with a plan to continue with PSI, except that with my travel schedule over the summer, I can’t go to the 7 day retreat until September. At first, I thought that February to September would be fine given my schedule is busy and I thought I needed time to process. I didn’t need that much time. Part of starting to do this work is revealing how I work and process. I process fast and then need to keep going or I risk sliding backwards. PSI has a 90-day program that’s in town and works more on goal setting and implementing what you’ve learned while being in your real-life schedule. I got an invitation in the mail to join that and thought, hmmm, that might work. So, I talked to SG about it since he’s done it, got predictably puke-y about the idea and decided to go ahead. Which was awesome, until they didn’t get back to me, and I had to rely on my micro-group leader from the Basic course to help figure out what was going on. Turns out, the director of that program was in the process of leaving PSI and there was miscommunication somewhere, so the invitations went out, yet the class was not going to happen. I finally talked to someone in the office about it and decided to volunteer at a Basic in June to see it from the other side and to help keep me in healing-mode. Then, I started to feel blah about not being able to do the 90 day program and June felt really far away. As luck (or divine spirit intervention, or universal quantum energies, or whateverthehellyouwannacallit) would have it, I had an appointment with SG for stretch and we talked a little about the bummer of a change to my plan. He remembered that he had received an e-mail for Soul Speaks, the workshop I went to last fall as the first toe-dip into the realm of personal development. This was for a biweekly 3-hr group workshop held close to my house.
The heavens opened, the angels sang, light beamed down on me and I immediately shouted, YES! That’s what I need.
(no, i didn’t)
I got a text from him later telling me to contact the women running Soul Speaks soon because it tends to fill up fast. I don’t know why he might think I was dragging my feet. (I was, he knows me) Knowing that yeah, this would be a good fill-in and I really didn’t have much to lose since it’s pretty inexpensive, I checked my schedule, found the dates work and e-mailed with the familiar twisting of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. (must be the right thing to do, I felt puke-y).
I got in. Now I had to show up.
The first night was tonight. I had a full day at work and didn’t have time to be nervous about it, plus I’m more comfortable in a smaller group setting. The group is all women, which is somewhat unusual I guess, but good for me considering my past difficulties with friendships and connecting with other women. I was nervous in a weird way when I first took my turn talking, a little dysregulated and amped up. The second time I took my turn talking, more stuff came out of my mouth and I was much calmer. I’m excited to continue and realized that I am so ready for this. After the Basic I thought that if I went too fast with all this stuff that I’d crumble under the weight of all. Instead, I’m feeling energized to dive in and immerse myself in exploring and learning.