...and I’m triggered.
I feel pretty selfish right now, all the shitty programs are firing non-stop, I’m anxious and stressed and feeling out of control. I did not expect that with this weekend. I set myself up for success by enlisting his parents to take the kids starting Saturday afternoon until Sunday night. I canceled a planned dinner/movie night with a friend on Saturday because I was feeling drained and realized I needed time to myself. I gave S his space to process each night by being out of the way for a few hours. I met up with new friends who know what we are both going through. I ran into some people who recognized me from my Basic, and while it was good, I felt defenses come up when talking to them. One had recognized me from her graduation, the informational night I attended and promptly had an anxiety attack. She also attended my graduation night and remembered I said I found my passion and asked about it. The other woman was in my Basic and when I made the comment that his weekend didn’t seem to be as traumatic as mine, her reply was that probably no one’s weekend is as traumatic as mine. While I feel proud of what I accomplished in that 3 days busting down walls and breaking through, the little voice in my head started talking, “You were a mess, look at that, she is remembering that you were a mess. You’re not supposed to be a mess, you’re supposed to show up a fully formed happy human being who has all the answers. You’re not supposed to show weakness”.
And today I’m dysregulated, waking up from a dream in which I sat my parents down and told them all about the work I’m doing. I told them I buy into the New Age-y spirituality they think is bullshit. S is anxious and dysregulated too and our household is chaotic.
I’m proud of him, he went in and committed to the whole weekend. He discovered things about himself and I discovered things about him. When he brought up to his parents that he found value in it doing it, and it might be something they consider, they shut him down so fast that it triggered me. It didn’t trigger him, and I wondered why. “Because”, he said, “They have never been part of my development. Their choices never affected my choices.” And, with that I realized that my husband is way ahead of me. He went into the weekend afraid that he was behind and worried about not catching up to what I’m doing. What I realize, and I hope he does too, is that it’s quite the opposite. We both have stuff to work on, for sure. But he is far more self-aware than he was giving himself credit for. Someday, I hope to be able to say my parents choices do not affect me. When I can say that, I’ll be ready to see them again.