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Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Ramblings and Writer's Block

I’m out of town this week for work and for whatever reason, it’s been one of those weeks where it’s been too easy to drink too much while out with coworkers. It’s not like I'm going out and tossing back a bunch in a couple hours, it’s that we go out at 6pm and stay out until 11:30pm and I end up having a bunch to drink over those 5 hours. So, when I stop at 3, I’m fine. 5? Then I do stupid shit like get back to my hotel room and think it’s a good idea to blog. Never a good idea, and I took that post down replacing it with this one.

One of the things I’m working on since deciding to seriously consider book writing is that I need to open up my blog more and come out of the shadows of my tiny corner of the interwebs. That means letting IRL people have access to this. That also means I’ve had to start reading through old blog posts and considering what do I want people to be reading, and have I violated anyone’s trust in writing about my relationships with them? So far, I’ve taken down a few posts where I felt it didn’t really add much to my story. I’ve also noticed that I have a bit of writer’s block where I’m not letting the words flow onto my posts anymore, I’m getting worried about people reading them and how they may react. I invited SG to read my blog a while back, but he hasn’t said anything so I’m not sure he ever did. S has had access to it for years, and after initially reading some of my posts, he kind of shrugged and told me he realized I was writing out all the stuff we were going through and nothing was a surprise.

So, the point of this post is…I guess that I’m in a weird space of figuring out how to write my story without pissing off the people I care about. Writing about my parents is really difficult and the reason why I haven’t written much. I haven’t talked to them since October 2018. S has brought the kids over to their house a few times, and has reported a few things to me but mostly keeps whatever their interactions are to himself. My mom is constantly texting him and I let him know that he can set his own boundary with her if he needs to. He just rolls with it though and doesn’t give me grief about not wanting to repair the relationship. I don’t know how long this will last and I keep checking in with myself on whether I feel ready to deal with my parents knowing that they are not going to change.

Things are sticky with SG too since I’ve pushed the conversation to consider the dual relationship. It was an important thing for me to do and Therapist #3 was duly impressed at my ability to talk/write to SG about it. It wasn’t easy and has revealed things about me that I’m starting to realize I do in friendships. It’s like I’m learning how to be a friend by going through this rough, scratchy, uncomfortable patch with SG. I tend to want to figure it out immediately and don’t give people space. It’s part of my anxiety where everything feels bad, I don’t want it to feel bad, I don’t want to lose a friend, and then I’m pushing them too hard. I know I did that with my best friend years ago and it’s one of the reasons why we aren’t friends anymore. I’m recognizing my tendency to want to push SG hard to figure it out so that I can be comfortable. I think the thing that’s different for us is that I’ve been uncomfortable for a long time and I’ve basically reached the end of my rope. I don’t know where he’s been in all of this, and giving someone space to go through their own process is really difficult. Ha. We share that tendency: He pushed me too hard and now I’m finding myself wanting to do the same thing to him.

Lessons all around, right?

Why Not Leave Well Enough Alone?

Triggers for Mother’s Day