I wrote to SG and received a short, positive email back. Something doesn’t feel right though....and that’s where I fall down the shame spiral of “Why the fuck did I rock the boat? Why did I bring up all that stuff, why did I make him feel uncomfortable. Why couldn’t I just leave well enough alone?”
It’s not isolated to SG, that reaction, it’s how I feel whenever shit gets difficult. I push to bring things in the open and then immediately regret my decision to do so. I ignore my needs until it’s a big deal and blindside the other person because I haven’t been forthright to begin with.
Here’s the story I’m telling myself: Everything was fine, the friendship was developing, we had a good working relationship, I was generally comfortable with him, and it seems that a whole lot of my issues have to do with me, so I probably shouldn’t have involved him in my process. I feel like the only person this was affecting negatively and I should have been able to deal with it. Now that I’ve brought my shit out into the open, it’s affecting the whole relationship negatively. I really need a stretch session but I can’t make an appointment until we work through all the crap I brought up.
Here’s the real story: I wasn’t comfortable enough with where we were, I knew I was taking way too much of his time after my appointments, I knew both of us weren’t focused on me enough when I would be in the client role. I was starting to find ways to ignore myself by getting him to talk about himself, when I really need to be focused on my needs during an appointment. I was stuffing down all my feelings because I didn’t want to feel them and shifting myself into rescue mode, focusing on him instead of me. Not understanding how to have clear boundaries led me to this point. I didn’t know what would make me comfortable and I didn’t know how to keep the relationship strictly professional or to immediately set boundaries for personal/professional so that we were clear moving forward.
...and then there’s this. The owner of one of the yoga studios I frequent is an astrologer and I found the e-mail I got this week interesting…