Definitely not a microblog....enjoy.
So much for the writer’s block I wrote about a couple days ago. I think that tends to happen when I worry about IRL peeps reading my blog and what they will think of it. Which then, makes me wonder whether I really want to open my my identity. I could be totally vulnerable, throw all caution to the wind and start posting my blog to social media. Cue: a rising bubble of anxiety from my belly to my chest choking me... Since that’s always my reaction, I’m definitely feeling like, “Nope”. Then again, all my anxiety reactions lately have served to help get me doing the vulnerable and authentic things I need to be doing. Hmmm...something to think on.
Back to the title of this post. This is my second attempt at getting off Celexa (citalopram). I started later in the spring than last year because as it turns out spring totally sucks for mental illness. Anyway, I did it when I felt really stable and things were all going in the right direction. Why do I want off of it? Well, a few reasons, one: I hate being on Prilosec because citalopram jacks up the reflux that always seems to be lurking for me. I hate that I hold onto weight like a camel holds onto water. It’s fucking annoying, and I know I’ve written about this before, several times, so I’ll leave it at that. I also started to wonder how much it was working as I definitely felt more up and down the past several months, and I don’t want to increase my dose if it’s becoming ineffective. I felt stable, like we weathered a major behavioral regression with one of our kids without me completely melting down as well, so I wondered if I could be fine without it. I’ve also had my hormones checked and progesterone was bottomed out (hi peri-menopause!) so I’ve got that corrected. I’ve been meditating more regularly, and doing Soul Speaks helps to reframe how I see myself. I started taking ashwaghanda, CBD oil, creatine, probiotics and try to remember the calcium, magnesium and B-vitamins. I should take fish oil too, people tell me, but I’m not down with the production of fish oil causing more ecological harm to the oceans. I might try flax seed. Oh, and there’s another one called shankpushpi that seems to help take the edge off that I keep forgetting to buy.
Here’s the ironic thing about listing all the stuff I’m taking. Sure, a pharmaceutical has some crap-tactic side effects and who knows how it it’s going to be long-term, however, it literally costs me $4 (or less if I’ve met my deductible) for a 90 day supply. All those supplements I rattled off? Waaaayyyy more than that. I’m privileged with money, so I can afford to do all this natural stuff in the name of trying to support my system rather than slap a band-aid on it. Sucks that our health care system doesn’t promote supporting our bodies and instead is set up to be reactionary to most disease.
A while back, I nosedived, yet still pushed forward with tapering off. I realized that the crash I was waiting for wasn’t the pile up I thought it would be, and even though it’s lasting longer, it’s easier to navigate with awareness about what’s happening. Like, when I’m tanking these days, I know and can recognize exactly what’s going on. I can make sure I stay away from situations that trigger the hell out of me and I can try (try being the operative word) to make sure I walk away from my kids triggering me instead of reacting. Easier said than done, but I’ve made a tiny bit of progress in that arena in that when I lose it, my kids totally call me out on it being my shit, not their shit. Not ideal, but progress.
This week I switched to the 5mg dosage. Not an ideal week to do it in given where I am in my cycle with PMS at full-bore, and a week long travel that was stressful even though it was fun. During said travel, X gashed open his arm and S had to take him to urgent care. Meanwhile, I’m several hundred miles away getting texts from S about how much X wants his mommy. THAT was stressful. Everything was fine after a couple hours, just needed to glue it together and S handled everything beautifully, but dammit, I wasn’t home. The sitch with SG isn’t helping my mood either. Even though it’s been a tough week, it still hasn’t felt as bad as it has in the past, so I’m continuing to move ahead with the goal to get completely off of it and see what happens. At this point, I’m thinking one more week at 5mg and I’ll stop altogether. I have read that sometimes that last little bit as the SSRI leaves your system is really bad, so I’m crossing my fingers that I can weather that storm.