Idioms to explain how I feel these days:
one step forward, two steps back
through the snow uphill both ways
slogging through mud
Pretty much sums it up. I feel good for a while, happy with my choices and the direction I’m going, and then, like the past couple of weeks, I feel like I’m sliding backwards down the hill, which then leads to feeling stuck. This week has been rough, but if I’m really taking stock of when/where it started to get rough again? Maybe I didn’t make it out of the fender bender unscathed.
My first two weeks of Soul Speaks were great…but. I felt good and then the little voice in my head started talking again. I’ve had two rounds of people telling me they see I’m poised for something big, a breakthrough. Images used are a pop bottle rocket about to be lit, and a jack-in-the-box right before popping out.
What if the rocket is never lit? That’s where I found myself last Friday in SGs office starting to break down in tears. Also, for the first time in months, I showed up and didn’t give him a hug in greeting. I just…stopped a few steps from him and it was like the old me took over. I wanted him at arms length, I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to admit that I’m scared of what this new phase is bringing. I realized in reflecting on when this started happening, that at my previous stretch appointment I didn’t feel like talking about myself so I made him talk the whole time. I went into fix-it mode in my head, and I wanted to fix his problems, ignoring mine. This time I had to face my own problems and emotions because I went in for energy healing and he asked a lot of questions about what’s been going on.
Things that came up in the energy session were pretty sucky to put it bluntly:
When pressed to explain why I felt so responsible for making the transition for the next program manager smooth, I kept insisting it was so we don’t burn that person out in two years the way I burned out. BUT…
When pressed to explain why I’m hanging onto the high-profile project through the end of the year, I was forced to admit that I didn’t want to let it go because it’s everything I’ve been working towards. I’ve been working for 22 years to get to this point in my career, I’m one of the leaders on a $300 million project. It’s pretty damn big, it’s political, it’s technically difficult and why would I give that up? I feel like I’m throwing it all away. I’m afraid of stalling out my career.
Then there was this question, “Who is telling you you’re throwing it away?” Guess who??? While I’ve never been in a position of having those things said to me, I’ve heard them my entire life around other people’s choices. No wonder my survival skill was to kill my dreams and mold myself into whatever I thought I “should” be.
Most of the session, I was on verge of crying as I was realizing all those fucking programs still have a firm grip on my psyche.
At the end of the session, I was off balance and not talkative for a few minutes. Then the crying started for real.
Shame came up too. I felt ashamed that I’ve done all this work and she’s still fucking there like a puppet master.
I guess energy work can really bring up some shit.