1: the act or process of individuating: such as (1): the development of the individual from the universal (2): the determination of the individual in the general (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/individuation)
It’s been a crazy few weeks in my head:
I’ve been tapering off Celexa (as of Saturday May 25, I stopped completely and the brain zaps are extra special....)
I pushed SG on how to navigate the dual relationship. It was a rough conversation once it happened, and for me, much needed (more on that later).
I had an epiphany at Soul Speaks (a wide open, I am receiving what people are saying and feeling it and everything is coming into alignment and whoa....)
I dove back into all that Law of Attraction stuff (and asked S to also check it out, cuz his engineer-wife is swan diving into some crazy-ass spirituality)
I had exceedingly difficult back to back therapy sessions of network chiro and stretch
I’m f-cking scared out of my mind
There are so many voices and it feels like too much (Therapist #3, SG, Dr. M, friends)
WHAT IS GOING ON?
So, luckily, Therapist #3 had an opening today and when I saw it I grabbed it because I knew I had to sit in her office and work through it all. I don’t even know where to begin with all of this, so I’m just going to spew it all out and see how this post ends up. Probably long. Hang on, it’s gonna be a ride.
There’s this idea that what people see in me is fire and I’m compelling and magnetic and....all this started at PSI when I went through the Basic weekend. I did not by any stretch of the imagination walk into that weekend thinking I was “magnetic” of all words. It was shown to me by how total strangers supported me as I forced myself to get up and speak as crap was rising. When I completely broke down, the outpouring of support was almost too much to take. I couldn’t understand how people would want to comfort me, weren’t they all in their shit? How is it that they felt the need to hug me and support me? Now that I’ve been doing Soul Speaks and I’m hearing similar words thrown my way, it’s really started to take hold deep in my being. I came home from my last Soul Speaks session and bursting into the house with “I figured it out what I am!!!!” S, at first arched eyebrows in surprise, and then invited me to tell him what happened. When I told him I am fire, his response was, “yeah, and people have been trying to put you out.”
I had back to back Network Chiro and Stretch appointments. Now, when I headed over to Dr. M’s, I didn’t think my day was going to go how it went...I lay on the table, went through all the usual feelings of hey, my body seems to be releasing tension, awesome but my brain is a million miles an hour. I had an opportunity to ask a question after the appointment and I blurted out, “Am I making progress?”. Feeling stuck the past few weeks has made me wonder if this is really working, plus there’s that whole Dr. M appears to be interested in my case, so might as well ask questions if I feel like it. The answer I got was that yes, I’m making progress, in fact, I’m progressing quickly, but it’s akin to ripping off a band-aid (a 6 ft long band-aid), it doesn’t feel fast because of all the pain. Then he talked about what could be happening as my body is at the point that the network chiro is tapping into childhood trauma that’s stuck in my nervous system. He mentioned emotions that could be arising and dammit, if he didn’t hit the nail on the head. I cried the entire drive to SG’s office feeling fear and grief and overwhelmed. I attempted to pull myself together, but one look at me and SG was concerned. Ok, so this was the first appointment I had with SG after we had a conversation about how to move forward with this whole dual relationship thing. The long story short is pulling back to a more professional relationship, and more focused on me (that’s my thing since I had started to manipulate the conversation so I could avoid my emotions, ahem). I was hoping it would be one of those lighter, hey my back is tight appointments minus emotional crap, but my psyche had different ideas. I talked to SG a little bit about what happened in my chiro appointment and then during the stretch I didn’t want to talk, so I didn’t. I tried to focus on the stretching and relaxing into it. Instead, I focused on how tight I felt, how frustrated I was by that and proceeded to beat myself up mentally. After the stretch I was dizzy and nauseous, and SG was still concerned. He told me not to drive for a while and feeling completely off-kilter I acquiesced. I didn’t drive home for another hour and a half, finding a cafe to hang out in, try to write some of the crap that surfaced and get myself together. The rest of the day I barely functioned, and at one point found myself in my backyard lying down in the sun just being. I woke up the next morning feeling so much better and functional and not depressed and I thought...well, that’s progress!
Over the next few days, I started recognizing how often I beat myself up, over the littlest things. I beat myself up over how tight I felt during the stretch. I beat myself up for having a couple drinks the night before going on a training ride. I beat myself up for how things are with SG, especially when I wanted to send an email to him and I stopped myself. I beat myself up for not being able to tell Dr. M hey, I appreciate you are interested in my case, but I have a therapist. I beat myself up for letting my friends influence how I should proceed. Today I started to beat the hell out of myself for f-cking up and putting a bike ride I’m doing this weekend on the wrong day on the calendar. No biggie, except that I scheduled X’s bday party with his friends on the same day. Only a minor freak-out of “I am a f-cking idiot for not putting the ride on the correct date, do I ride? Do I not ride? Do we reschedule? Does S just take care of the party?” Ultimately, we decided to reschedule the party. If I had been with someone less into these kinds of things, I probably wouldn’t have ridden, but to S, it’s not a question of if I’m going it ride, obviously I’m going to ride, how are we going to deal with the scheduling snafu?
And...coming back around to the subject of this post, I found myself in my therapists’ office trying to work through it all. In our conversation in which I talked about all these things in a not-so-coherent way, she pointed out a few things to me. First, I was shut down when I started therapy with her, and now I’m opened up and trying to figure out where healthy boundaries are. I Don’t. Know. What. A. Healthy. Boundary. Is. (Except with S and good grief, the day I figure out how I got into a healthy relationship with him is the day I figure it all out). Here’s where it gets super weird: Because I didn’t individuate from my parents as an adolescent, I’m doing it now with all the therapists. I needed SG and Therapist #3 and Dr. M to lean on heavily over the past year, but now I’m reaching that stage of “leaving the nest” and that’s where the boundary setting with SG is coming in, the resistance to being more open with Dr. M is coming in, the really wanting to shut up all the voices in my head. I am learning how to become myself.
As Therapist #3 put it, “You’re like a baby bird and have needed all the mama birds to help you until now. Now you’re stretching your wings and trying to fly on your own and you’ve never done it before. No wonder you feel unstable. We are all here for you when you need support, but right now, you’re doing it”.
To drive the point home, I saw this posted on FB:
SG, Therapist #3, Dr. M. They’re are all my healers. They’ve all held space for me in some form while I get to the point that I can heal myself. I’m starting to heal myself.