“You’re flooding yourself, stop it!”
A friend said that to me this past weekend. Someone who understands the work I’m doing and knows what can happen. She pointed out that I like to be wallowing, that’s where I’m comfortable. Well, that’s food for thought.
Another friend asked me in a roundabout way if I’m having an affair with SG. 😲🙄 Um, I was pissed off that she would question my integrity, and then started to come around to the why. Why would she think that, what kind of vibe and I’m giving off?
They’ve both been hearing me tell the same story time and again and I’m starting to see how I’m still stuck in this eddy of uncertainty, that I’m not trusting myself. If I were trusting myself, I wouldn’t be questioning why I’m still working with him. I think I’m questioning because I’m still throwing up that wall of protection I’ve had for so long, while simultaneously trying to break it down. It’s exhausting.
And, Dr. M is starting to show more interest in me and offering advice. Also leading to flooding. I need to shut him down because it’s only going to lead to more discomfort for me. Sometimes I hear people question why do things have to be defined, and in a box? I’ll tell you why, because in a care setting, the boundaries have to be clear so that the patient feels comfortable. Dr. M asking me about how I feel about myself and then offering an example of his own journey isn’t appropriate. I hire him to work on my back to teach my body to release tension and to break my protective patterns. That’s what I need him for.
I wish I was figuring out this stuff on my own, because I know I rely on external sources to help me too much, but I needed that from my friends this past weekend. And that’s why I need them. Because they will call me out when they see what I can’t.
Boy am I glad I have a therapy appointment this week.