Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

This Time, I Wanted to Be There

At the Basic seminar, that is. Not that I didn’t want to be there the first time…but it was so hard to get myself into the room that the image of wading through wet concrete comes to mind. Or, as the facilitator likes to put it, “some people need a whisper, some people need a gentle push, some people need a 2x4”. I’m of the 2x4 variety, or at least that’s what SGs persistence felt like. He’ll say “gentle push”, I say “giant shove”. Whatever. The point is, this time, I volunteered to be on staff, committing to a time warp. I literally do not know what the hell happened over the those 3 days except in my insular world between waking up, telling my family “hi!”, leaving, and not coming home until everyone was asleep. I can't even tell you if it was sunny or cloudy outside.

So, there I was, a new staffer with all new staffers, only the 3 chiefs had done this before, and we were short on production staff (I was it and the Chief of Production had to run the sound). I was mostly an observer of the class since I was helping with the production although I was able to do some of the exercises when other staff members were able to take over my post of sitting at the door. Given how I reacted to the class again, I’m guessing I wasn’t the only one going through shit, while at the same time supporting the new students. When it came up, I just let it through, even if I was working with someone who wasn’t able to get out of their head. I went for it not trying to control how much I cried, or wondering what they thought of me breaking down in front of them. Part of being able to do that was familiarity with what was going on, but the other part was showing people that it’s ok not to be in control all the damn time. There’s this idea that we attract people we need to attract, right? I attracted people who were shut down even more than I had been. There was one point in the weekend, when the facilitator made a last minute change to who was working with whom, and when I saw who I ended up partnered with, I was so excited. I knew that doing this one exercise with this person might get through to them. And it did!

Outside of family, I’m not often in the role of being and that’s mostly what the weekend was about. Sure, I had a bunch of tasks to do and at the same time, the largest part of this whole weekend was being available to people. That’s where all my stuff started coming up. Flipping it around and being in the role of supporter made me work through rescue tendencies (holy crap they’re strong) and control tendencies (even stronger).

I’m in a really weird place now. Yesterday I couldn’t function and I’m struggling to write this post because there’s so much swirling in my head. I can feel the control piece coming up over and over again and I’ve been beating the shit out of myself for how I’m feeling and acting. I mean, I barely got to work in time for a 10:00 meeting yesterday morning and I may as well not been there at all for as much as I was able to contribute. I felt equal parts zombie and hella triggered all day long. Today, is less zombie-like and more triggers. S keeps telling me to take a breath and notice what’s really going on (triggers) vs. whatever situation I’m trying to control. SG told me this is healing. WHAT?

All this shit coming up is healing? Really? What the hell. I was hoping to feel a little like I did in February, not this feeling of being stuck in all my shit. This sucks and I’m more than grateful that I can work from home because interacting with people is the last thing I feel like doing.

Oh wait, peeling back the layers of an onion, isn’t that what the facilitator, Therapist #3, Dr. M and SG have been telling me all along?

It would be nice if it weren’t so traumatic.

#MicroblogMondays - Depression

#MicroblogMondays - An Introduction