Wow, posting to FB is definitely scary. My last #microblogmondays post on this most recent round with depression garnered so much attention, I freaked out. Like, now I feel the need to shout WAIT! It’s not that bad! I’ve been living with depression my entire life! At least I’m aware and feeling now! Which is really the crux of it. I’m feeling and expressing myself these days, and the fear I felt as I saw the comments start rolling in dovetails nicely with this post I’ve been working on for a while.
For months, I’ve been trying to come to grips what people tell me they see in me. I keep hearing over and over again that I possess certain qualities (powerful, magnetic, beautiful, fiery, compelling, to name a few that really throw me). In hearing versions of those compliments lately, I noticed something that I hadn’t noticed before. Instead of immediately brushing off the compliments as “They don’t have any idea what a f-cking mess I am”, I felt an emotion: Fear.
This is a common theme.
I constantly wonder when I’m going to be found out as a fraud.
This isn’t new. I figured out I have Imposter Syndrome several years ago, and I didn’t know how to address it, because I didn’t feel worthy. Since completing processing a memory around my feeling of unworthiness through EMDR, I can see progress, but in my mind, it’s not fast enough. I keep listening to that voice in my head telling me I’ll never be good enough even as I fight to quiet it.
In trying to get past this point, I’ve noticed several things. I don’t trust my intuition, even when it’s telling me I’m making the right choices for my healing journey. I look for outside validation that I’m wrong, and I know exactly where to find it. I know who to talk to who will tell me I like to be stuck, to be careful about who I trust to help me. I know who to talk to who will ask so many questions that I’ll leave that conversation completely drained and confused. Yet, I talk to Therapist #3, Dr. M, SG, pay attention to Brene Brown, what PSI is teaching, and hey, to go really out there, what Esther Hicks channels. IT’S ALL THE SAME. THEY HAVE THE SAME BASIC MESSAGE. I just need to come into alignment with my purpose, use my voice, believe the compliments, learn how to listen, and everything will be fine. Sure, easy, right?
I wish this could be the last post I write where I wonder how many times I need to be whacked by the Universe’s 2x4 to finally embrace the transformation I’m going through, but that remains to be seen. This last round of depression was brought on by stress, exhaustion, travel, and plain old running back to what’s comfortable. Self-sabotage is comfortable. If I’m stuck in confusion and depression I can hide behind excuses. After all, I hardly look like a train wreck: I’m successful! I have a good career! I have a loving spouse! I have 2 awesome kids! There’s no issue, right?! That voice in my head is loud, it’s had 45 years to be loud, reprogramming is going to take time. I’ve made progress, I’m no longer on the hamster wheel, it’s a spiral staircase, climbing out, slipping back, getting a little more ahead, slipping again. I’ve made movement, it’s just going to take time. More time than I’m wishing, that’s for damn sure. There are people with me on the staircase, supporting me through my journey, and I know I support them in their journeys. It’s what I forget when I start sliding backwards, that I’m not alone in this, that I have people rooting for me, that I don’t have to do this alone.