The past week, I’ve been in the thick of it, vacillating between 4-5, to the point that S finally looked at me the other night and told me the way I’ve been beating myself up is painful to watch. I wish when people said that it would actually sink in. Sometimes it does, and I can turn around, but sometimes I’ll sink deeper. It’s been a rough week, and I’m deep into the “I can’t fix myself fast enough” mantra in my head. It started after staffing the weekend, where I started to feel like I’m not making any progress, comparing myself to others.
I know some of this is because I’m not medicated anymore. I’ve definitely felt the valleys more intensely since being off medication, and at the same time I could feel like shit when I was on medication so….who knows what the hell is going on.