There’s a way for the things to be let in.
The “things” being intuition and feeling. Mine, specifically.
I hit a 10/10 and here’s how I recognized it.
I wasn’t frustrated at work even though I’m two weeks late getting a report out to be reviewed. Normally, I’d be beating myself up about not making the deadline (I don’t miss deadlines, in fact, this might be the first time I’ve really blown it). I could have worked up to 32 hours in a week since i’m part time and that’s my limit, and I tried a couple of weeks, but it was hard to pull off, and I wasn’t all that successful. I ended up losing 6 hours of pay due to timesheet shenanigans (UGH) and with that frustration, plus my boss’s attitude of, hey, lets try to get you to where you want to be, I stopped trying to work the extra hours. And then, there was work-travel, family stuff, and training the newbie taking over my position. Did I mention we finally got that person into the building?? Happy dance all around! But, you know, transitions, and I spent a week not working on the report because I was trying to help her out. The point is, I managed to get the report out (I have a co-author and thankfully she wasn’t totally freaked out yet) and I’m not traveling for another couple of weeks so I have some breathing room to continue cleaning it up while it’s under review. That I made it through without working more, without completely losing my shit is a testament to how far I’ve come in giving myself a break.
I had a therapy appointment (haven’t had one of those since early June maybe, it’s been a while) and in telling her all that has happened between staffing the weekend, depression, coming out of depression, coming around to surrender, an energy healing session, the network chiro craziness that’s been going down as my back continues to dump traumas…it was like, WHOA. It’s been a lot. Like, I have been up and down and up again and what I’m feeling is that my upswings are far higher than they’ve ever been. I’m not just getting to even (6), I’m leaping beyond that. I have a lot to work on as I begin the next phase of healing, and crap surfaced (like body image, more on that in another post), but through all of this, I didn’t end up in her office shaking in fear or anger or grief. I felt positive and ready to take it all on.
I’m feeling a sense of gratitude like I’ve never felt before. It’s deep and powerful and envelopes me like a warm blanket. Instead of being mad at the Universe for whacking me multiple times over the head, I’m feeling grateful that the Universe sent me the people who are loving me and holding my hand through it all. I’m trusting and surrendering to the process. Instead of being enveloped in grief and fear and anger, I’m feeling curious, open and expansive. I opened up to one of my yoga teachers tonight because something she said sparked a question and I asked her about it after class. The conversation that occurred because I asked her a question was one I never would have had before now. I know she’s a pretty safe person to talk about things over there in left field, but still, for me to voice what I’m going through to someone I don’t really know? Huge. (It may have helped that near the end of our brief conversation she pointed out I was glowing and had a huge smile on my face).
(until the next downswing and resistance…ahem ‘cuz it’s going to happen, I’m just getting better at identifying and riding it out)