Here’s the thing. The connectedness and gratitude were intense and real. Plus, I was functional, it felt really great, I was excited to have sustained feeling good for days in a row.
I woke up on a Saturday faced with an entire day of parenting by myself while S went on a long mountain bike ride, leaving the house at 6:30am, and the anxiety set in. As is typical, we can’t drag the kids out of bed by 6:30am during the week, but Saturday? Bouncing off the walls at 6am.
Knowing what I was in for and that I was doing it all by myself not having planned ahead to get help, I found myself reminding myself to breathe throughout the day, trying to manage all the triggers that kept rearing. In the middle of the day I took half an hour to meditate and that helped. The problem though, was the triggers kept piling up, and then the sky fell and I, lost my mind.
The next day sucked. I was going through all of it, not knowing how to talk to S, how to be, what to do and spent most of the day barely functioning. (ps. for me that apparently means I try a new workout that hands my ass to me because I don’t know what “taking it slow” means and then spend a good hour aimlessly walking around a neighborhood crying and upset) Therapist #3 had an opening on Wednesday so then it became “just get to Wednesday”. On Tuesday I almost didn’t get out of bed. Then, I was driving to work and almost turned around to go back to bed and hide. I talked myself out of it and found myself at work in a meeting drifting all over the place. Then something happened, slowly so I hardly noticed. I started feeling lighter, not so mired down and held down in the shit. When Therapist sent me an email because she had to reschedule my appointment to Friday, I didn’t feel like the sky was falling. In fact, I thought, huh, well, this will be a different appointment than the one I would have had. As the week progressed, I felt better every day and by Thursday was at a solid 8/10, I went to yoga at the Botanic Gardens, and spent an additional hour and half meditating then walking around and generally had a good day.
Friday morning heading into Therapists’ office I figured it would be a little bit of a reset kind of visit, an ok, this happened, this is totally normal, everything is fine.
The Universe decided to punch me in the face instead.
The visit was one in which something that I’ve been in denial about reared it’s head in all its glory, taunting me and wagging its finger. Therapist saw it months ago and while she was empathetic with where I suddenly found myself, she was not surprised. As it turns out, nothing is sacred when going on this journey, and the one thing that I thought couldn’t be touched…welp it’s fallen victim to Geochick’s awakening. Therapist must have told me 4 times during my visit that I’m on the right path and this is still good, I’m waking up, I’m feeling, I’m starting to flow with the feelings, the feminine energy is coming out, blah blah blah. At one point I was like, “I wanna go back, I want to shut it all down, this is not part of the deal.”
Since then I’ve been sad, empty and angry. I dreamed about being in grad school and in grad school starting to question all my choices. I continually wish that I had gone through this shit 20 years ago, not now with an established family to worry about.
And hey, I can touch the good feeling, it’s just not sustainable yet.
Oh, and as it turns out, Dr. M is working on breaking a denial pattern. Fascinating timing.