I’ve been working on a post over the last week that has me all in my analytical brain and I’m completely blocked. So, you get this instead, back to my old way of stream of consciousness writing.
As I railed yet again to SG, “I don’t know how to show up, I don’t know who I am”, I sensed disappointment. “You are all the words people saw at Soul Speaks, go read them again. You are your blog, you are able to be vulnerable, that’s you.”
I’ve slipped again, backward down the spiral and the universal face punch had me questioning why am I doing all of this? I’ve upset the equilibrium in the one area that I didn’t think could be touched. It was all fine when I was shut down, but now that I actually feel something, lots of things, all the things, it’s getting rocky. All of the sudden, the denial veil was ripped away and an “Oh shit, no no no no no” ran coursing through my body. I thought I was the one who needed to be fixed. And that’s true, I needed to wake up, but in waking up and starting to take responsibility for myself, my emotions, my actions, I also see where some of that stops. I can take responsibility for my shit, I can’t take responsibility for someone else’s actions/reactions. What my responsibility is now, is to be patient, and to be there for the other person the way others have been there for me.
I read an article that SG sent to me after the afore-mentioned railing against it all. In that article, I read things that were reinforcing and comforting. This is HARD. I’m in the messy middle of the awakening, and I’ve been here a while. It’s the part where it’s so comfortable to slide back to where I was, to just wallow in the mud puddle of me vs. them, I’m gonna go hide, I’m not going to show up, I’m not going to embrace this. But, it’s not where I’m going. I clawed my way up to tag the possibilities, and it felt amazing, but I don’t trust it. I’m still wrapped up in the doing, and I know it. I must do this, this, this, check this box, and then, it’ll all be better right?