I had a ride through my emotional rating scale this past week.
Sunday and Monday I tanked to a 5/10, which for me is barely-holding-it-together-and-one-step-away-from-crying-in-a-meeting. I noticed a difference Monday night after having an afternoon network chiropractic session where my spine needed to be untwisted and Dr. M asked me if I had been noticing like I feel like I’m hitting a false ceiling. Like, I know where I want to go and something is holding me back, because that’s the pattern that had me twisted. Uh, yes, totally, like get out of my damn head. Later that night I noticed a small shift, starting to creep up a little.
Tuesday and Wednesday I felt like I was bouncing back, and felt like 6/10 and rising. I wasn’t feeling anxiety or depression, and generally was impressed with myself for recovering so fast.
And then Thursday came. I felt pretty good in the morning combining a Versaclimber class with yoga in the Botanic Gardens. Twenty minutes after my yoga class I crashed hard, going from what felt like a 9/10 to a 4/10. I was a crying mess, frustrated, angry with myself and feeling rudderless. I really wanted to hide and felt depleted. By the end of the day I managed to get to a functional phase of numb, and was able to acknowledge where I was without beating myself up.
Friday was surprisingly good, like I woke up and quickly got to feeling like I was 8/10. Even when I was supposed to meet S near his work for a lunchtime meditation at a studio by his place of work, and instead there was an accident that completely screwed my commute, I rolled with it and after a stretch session to work out the rest of the kinks in my back I felt great, 9/10.
Saturday was amazing, definitely tagged the 10/10 feeling light and connected.
Sunday was a trip down Anxiety Lane(7/10). The anxiety is related to one specific thing that I know I want to do and not sure about taking the leap. There was that part where S was asking if I wanted advice or if I was just ranting at him as I paced the house rattling off the thing I know I want to do but is it the right time, will it ever be the right time, am I really supposed to do this? It’ll be the biggest change I’ve ever made and it is terrifying.
Given the travel and family stuff that has happened over the past 2 weeks, I’m impressed with how this week went. A few months ago, I would have been triggered to the point of depression/anxiety and would have spent at least the entire week hanging out around 4-5/10, losing my shit at the most inopportune times and taking it out on everyone around me. This time, I’ve been able to notice what’s going on, know exactly where I’m at and how it could affect me and others, and take steps to move through the shit. I journaled, I meditated, I slept, I asked S to take an extra turn putting the kids to bed so I could do the dishes and chill out. It was a crazy busy week with events every night except Friday and a lot of socializing on my part (always exhausting for this introvert). I think part of it was learning how to recover from so much socializing, especially with new people, and part of it was learning how to ride the waves as I came out of back to back emotionally and physically stressful weekends of travel.
I’m still not taking Celexa, and I was able to ride all this shit out without spiraling into a non-functional mess. Progress!