I’ve written about my family…oh a bit over the past several years. Funny how having kids (at the time, one kid) sparked, “Oh, wait, that’s not how I want to be. Why is that?” Therapist #1 was instrumental in helping me identify what was going on. Considering that was in 2013, it’s been a long road. I remember Therapist #1 driving into my head over and over again, “Limited and appropriate contact” as a way of introducing boundaries I didn’t have. Reading back through the posts from that time, I can still feel how hurt and angry I was, not to mention how much I blamed them for how I turned out angry and defensive. Even now, it’s a little difficult to recognize that it was me who was able to move through what went on in my childhood relatively intact. All the pain would surface in my inability to own who I was, constantly comparing myself to those who appear smarter and better than me. The internal dialogue was exhausting, never feeling good enough, worrying about what would happen when they (whoever “they” are) found out that I’m a sham. I’d try to bury it again and again, put my head down and keep moving ahead the only way I knew how, checking off all the boxes in attempt to reach some ideal of perfection that doesn’t exist.
I’ve spent the past year sheltered by S as he took over the communication and making sure our kids got to see their grandparents. I had to remove all the triggers in order to move forward, and with his support it helped clear the way for me to make the changes that needed to be made. In the past few weeks a few signs showed up for me. First, something is going on in my family that’s reason to celebrate, and when I found out about it, I knew it was time. I didn’t feel ready, and I didn’t want to. I was content to keep going the way we were going at least until I moved through more of the work. In my mind, I’d see what happened once I went to PSI-7 and then re-assess. Gee, thanks Universe for having other ideas. So, not feeling ready, but supported by those close to me, and new friends, I made the leap.
I can see them for who they are and realize I’m growing into my own person. In fact, it’s almost anti-climatic.
I was ready.